|
Notice July 2004: The audio files are no longer available from the CBC web site.
Some other audio files can be found at audio - comedy Muckraker Sketches - texts: SANTA 2001 audio link | top Morning Santa. Here's your mail! Thank you Gilmar. Let me see. Which should I read first? Perhaps the one with all those neat spider men stickers. Ooh...It's from the White House. Dear Santiclaus. Full stop. Let me assure you we are doing everything in our power to make air travel safe and secure. So I urge you to go about your normal Christmas activities, spying on people, flying through the air and dropping surprise packages down people's chimneys. Ah coming to think of it, that's what I'll be doing too, HA HA! Anyway, all I want for Christmas is Osama Bin Laden's two front teeth. And ahead they('re) coming. Yours truly, Double U. O-kay now. What do we have next? Dear pagan idol of the infidels, I hate you very much. You represent everything that is immoral, corrupt and decadent about the west. However, I could really use some luggage, a razor and a one-way ticket out of Afganistan. Signed, Osama been very very good this year. George Harrison in Heaven audio link | top | this sketch on its own - Where am I? - Look at all these swirling colours and clouds. It's like I'm back in the sixties. - Hallo George. Good to see you again. - John? Johnny Lennon? Is that really you? - Welcome to heaven. - Go on! Is this really heaven? - Sure. See that guy over there with the beard? That's Christ. - Really? I thought he'd be taller. - Hey didn't I say we were bigger than Jesus. - Wait a minute. How did you get into heaven? - I turned left at purgatory. - But John you were the guy who was saying imagine there is no heaven. - Yeah lucky for me God only listens to jazz. Come on I'll introduce you around. Got quite a band here. - O great! - You remember Brian Jones? - Oh. Cheers Bri! - Hey you! Get off of my cloud! - Uh sorry. - And this is our keyboard player. - Yip! it's Ludwig van Beethoven! - George Harrison! I love your music! But what do I know. I am as deaf as a post! - And there's Jimi Hendrix, Buddy Holly, Keith Moon, Jimmy Morrison, and look there's Mama Cash over by the buffet. - Wow! This band is even better than the Beatles. - And of course this is the big guy. - Huuhh! My sweet Lord!! - Actually, you can just call me Elvis. - Okay people let's make some music. - Great! I've got a fabulous new song! - I don't think we'll have time for your song George. First we have to record the ones I wrote. And then Jimmy has a bunch he wrote. And after that ... - O no! No no no. I'm not going through this again. I'm out of here! - O come on Georgie, don't be a hunk a hunk a pain in the butt. - Forget it! Rock and Roll heaven isn't for me. I'd rather be reincarnated. - As what? - Anything but a Beatle. Cheney Has A Dream audio link | top - Ladies and Gentlemen. - I have a dream! And that dream is crude! I hope this crude to be self-evident. But if it ain't got oil, hell! You gotta drill for more! I have a dream that one day the people of the Unites States will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the size of their oil reserves. I have a dream. There are those who talk about alternative power sources. About solar energy. But the Americam people don't want to rely on foreign sunlight to heat their homes. No. Four stored plenty barrels a year per home is what I promise you America. I have that dream today. Up in Alaska, we're turning nothing into something. Where some people see the untamed wilderness I see opportunities. Where some people see endangered species I see endangered businessmen. I have a dream. That's not what you can do for the environment. That's what the environment can do for you. God bless America. God bless you oil. Spy Plane Crew Release audio link | top - Darn... not again! ..... That Bloomsberg fellow is always making me look dopey. - [knock knock knock knock] - Come on in![slap] - Mr. President. - Colin old pal! How the hell are you? - I'm fine Sir. - I'm glad you dropped by. I've been thinking we ought to hire you. - Well Sir, I am your Secretary of State. - Okay, why not! I don't think I have anyone doing that! The job's yours! - Mr. President, I think it's time we call the Chinese. - Good idea. I'm hungry too. Put me down for couple of them egg rolls. - I mean about them holding our spy plane. - I dont't see how calling a restaurant is going to help with that. - I know you're new at (on) the job Colin but this here is a pole physical matter so we'd better call the Chinese White House. - Right Sir. I'll do that now. - Hehe. Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it. I was kind of slow on the uptake when I started too. - Hello... eeh... This is President Chuan Chen Min. - This is Secretary of State Colin Powel. I demand you return our plane and its crew. - They were tresspassing in Chinese air space. - We meant you no harm. It was just a mistake. - A mistake. America couldn't possibly be that stupid. Let me talk to your president. - Sir... hm... I don't think you want to do that. - I insist. - Alright. - He wants to talk to you, Sir. - HmHm Howdie! Double U here. Who is it? - I am the leader of the People's Republic of China, Chuan Chen Min. - Oh hehe. I'm never going to be able to say that. Do you mind if I just call you Kong Fu? - Yes actually... - Okay Kong Fu. What do we gotta do to get our spy plane back. And don't say snatch a pebble from my hand. - China insists on a full apology. - O no can do. - Remember Mr President, we are holding two dozen of your people. - O really! You hold then ... one dozen is twelve ... plus another dozen is twelve. Equals .... You're holding twenty of our people?! - We have twentyfour of them. - Damm, Colin, the Chinese just grabbed four more of our men. Well, if that's how you want to be, I can play hard ball too. I'm going to close every Chinese laundry in America. Then where are you people going to get clean shirts? - I don't understand what you are talking about. - O sure old son you no speakie no inglie. Don't pull that on me. I'm the President of the United States, the Commander in Chief, the Guy in Charge. - Aha ... Could you please call general Powel back on the phone. - Okidoki - Colin Powel here. - I was wrong. I see now that America could be that stupid. I'll make arrangements to return your plane and your crew. - Thank you Mr. President. Good-bye. - So? - You made quite an impression Sir. - Hehehehe. He figured out what kind of President America has running the place. - Yes Sir, we e... we all have. Branding War audio link | top - Okay Okay. Let's get this meeting under way. I'm Vice President Cheney and I want you all for ... - May a? - OhOh... Of course Mr. President. - My name is George double U Presisent Bush, and I just like to say that... rmmm - Vice President Cheney will be leaving this meeting. - Thank you Sir. - Now. Let's talk about the campaign. - I really thing we ought to take it to a new level. - What? We're already winning the war. - Not he war campaign, Sir, the ad campaign. This could be a long war and we don't want people loosing interest. These folks ar PR consultants. - And I got tell you Mr. Vice President, war is hell to promote. - I know. But the fact is our PR campaign isn't playing with the folks in Peoria. - Now, Frankly Dick I don't care what people in the Middle East think. - Err Sir Peoria is a city in the It it's it's okay. Don't bother. - Look, maybe the name is wrong. - What you don't like operation "enduring freedom"? - Sounds like a maxi pad. We need a name that inspires people. Gives them hope. - Hmmm Oh How about operation "future peace". - Hey! I like that, calling war peace. Very nineteeneightyfour. - Hey! I love nineteeneightyfour. I own the Texas Rangers back there. Ma and some of the players used ot go to this little bar... - A a actually, Sir, nineteeneightyfour is a novel by a man named... - Hey It's okay, don't bother. - You know, the Texas Rangers had a mascotte! Maybe that's what this war needs. - Hey that's a great idea. - We're the mascot kings. - We did Charley the Tinner, Tony the Tiger, Dolls Breed Dolls Boys. - And who kills the .... - And Droopy the Axlap Bear. - Okay maybe a mascot isn't the best idea. - Hey! hey!, I know what this war needs: A jingle! - O that's an idea. Something catchy. That get's stuck in your head so that it's completely annoying. - Yeah. - Who's good at that? - David Foster, he's the best. - Right! - You do know he's a Canadian. - Of course I know. Did you ever spend three seconds with a guy from Canada who didn't tell you he was a Canadian? - Would he write us a gingle? - Sure, put serious cash under his nose and songs drop from his hands like fingers from a leper. - Can we get it by tomorrow morning?No problem. This guy has written whole albums in under an hour. - Hey, I know! Maybe this Forster guy could write a war theme song. - Sir, a jingle is a theme. - Don't bother. It's akay. Sea Kings audio link | top Good bye papa please pray for me My helicopter's crashing in the sea I honestly don't mean to pout But my future is in doubt My co-pilot just fell out Good bye papa it's hard to fly When my air frame's cracking in the sky For every hour in the air It takes them thirty to repair We fly these things on a dare We had joy we had fun We had Sea-Kings in the sun But the engines are on fire And the Sea-Kings must retire Good bye good chair my stingy one You could have bought the E-age warner ones Instead you blew five hundred mil Just to cancel out the bill Now I need an airsick pill We had joy we had fun We had Sea-Kings in the sun We'll be lucky if we reach A crash landing on the beach Original song text (new window): Seasons In The Sun (Westlife, 1999) CSIS Recruitment audio link | top - Congratulations Allan. You passed your recruitment exam. - Thank you Sir! - You are now a member of CSIS - Wow! I'm a spy! - Now. For a little orientation. - Eh, eh! Do I get a number like doubleOseven? - Mmmm, Well, you get an employee number that entitles you to benefits. - O heheh, like a license to kill. Hahahah. - O, yeah, no. But you get full dental. - Even better. Haha. - I bet you got some great spy gear for me to use there? - Here. You'll need one of these. - Aaah! It looks like an ordinary ball point pen. But I'll bet it's really a laser, right! - Er, why don't you just try writing with it. (scratch scratch) - I don't see anything. Aha! I get it! Invisible ink! - A darn it. No, I think it's just outa ink. I, I'll requisition you another one. - Hey! Hey! What about a gun!? I gotta get a gun for going after the bad guys, right? - Yes. You will be issued a gun. - Oh! Fantastic! - Right now it's in our Regina office, but don't worry. Everybody gets its turn. You'll get yours the first week of February. - Oh. Hey, you know this is a little bit disappointing there I er er I mean shouldn't we have more sophisticated stuff? After all, there could be terrorists' cells all over Canada. - Who told you that? - Sandy Rinaldo on the CTV News. - Okay Allan. That's what we in the spy busniness call "a lead". You should follow that up. Get to know this Rinaldo character. Try the data base. - Data base... Now you're talking. Where is it? - Right here. - A phone book. - If Rinaldo's number isn't there, try "information". One of the more experienced agents will know the number. - Four one one. - You're really on the ball. Canadians can sleep well tonight knowing that guys like us are keeping them safe and secure. Ben Muloney Interviews His Dad audio link | top - Hey everybody! Welcome back to the chat room. Where talk is cheap and not too deep. This is Ben Mulroney holding down the couch. And we've got a real special guest on the show today. Say hello to my Dad, the right honourable Brian Mulroney. Welcome Dad! - Er Thank you er son. Eh it is eh eh great to be here on eh TV. eh I like all the lights and eh brightly coloured eh furniture. - Yeah. It's not bad hey eh for a digital channel? - Your mother and I are very proud of you. - You are on the internet too. - Ah yes. Well. er That must be very er eh interactive. - Yeah. Eh do you want some dupe dupes? - Eh eh No thanks. - Cool. So eeh Dad. Eh Let's chat. - Okay. - Heheh Okay Er. First question: Do you miss politics? - Well son eh I certainly miss the opportunity to serve my country. - Cool!! E E now Eh Is there anything you don't miss about politics? - Hehehe eh Well ... - Pretty pretty good question he? - Ah It's a terrific question son. - Hehe! - I'l tell you. I'll tell you the one thing I really don't miss. The parliamentary press gallery. - Hoho man I guess not! I remember when you were Prime Minister you watched the news every night and get so steamed! - O yes. - And you had nick names for all the reporters remember. Like you used to call Peter - Mansbridge that bald-headed son of a - Yea but those days heheh are over now. - Hehe yeah. Candy corn? - Er no thanks. - Okay er er Last question, dad. - Emm What's the one thing you achieved as Prime Minister that you're most proud of? - Well son er That's eh a tough one. - Yeah! It's a toughie! - My proudest achievement er - Have I stunned you? - Well eh I guess I guess i'd have to say My proudest achievement would be eh Free Trade. - Wow! Hey! That was my guess! - Yeah, yeah, free trade. - Free trade. Sure! - Yeah. er No small achievement. - Heh man! I remember you were really busy on that one. he - O yes yes. - I mean, like like every weekend and holidays even. It was like a year and a half when we hardly even saw you. - Well well eh there was the eightyeight election around at the same time and Yeah yeah and And you know looking back on it it seems as if there was always an election or a leadership convention or a debate. - Could I have some of that candy corn? - No! - O err.. Your mother sends her love. Perhaps eh eh this would be a good time to introduce a music video. - We don't show videos dad. But you know eh if we did, I'd play that cat's cradle song. You know that one dad? Where the father remembers that he never had much time to play with his son? - He It was eh It was hard on me too son. - Yeah How did the song go again? Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon. - Yeah err A lttle boy blue And er when - When are you coming home dad! - I don't know when. But we'll get together and then Ben ... - You know we'll have a good time then... - Huh huh I love you Dad. - Yeah and er I er I like you too. - Huuh! Hueh! - Today I've been chatting with my dad. It's the best Prime Minister this country ever had. Thank you dad! - Eh You're welcome eh son. Eh a cleenex er? - Yes. - Okay, now. Now blow blow. [puut puut!] Good boy. Now that's a good boy. It's a good boy. - Have a good... It's a good boy... time then. transcriptions: Helmut Lubbers - April 2002 (Radio Canada - CBC) July 2004: the audio files are no longer there. |